I did not look like I do now. This is not uncommon. I tend to take on the aspect of someone I wish I looked like. This time, I was of average size with short brunette hair. There were two of us, the obsession and I, at this pizza place getting food. We were there for a meeting and so were chatting away. When he reaches over me. I feel this electric zing.

That is the important part. The electric zing. It is a body shiver. A tingling of every nerve ending in the body. I felt this in my dream. This was the only dream where he was almost real. The rest of the time, he has been ethereal. A ghostly presence that I would talk to but not actually fully see. And then he would fade away and that would be that.

So I stretched up and pecked him real quick. He made protestations that it wouldn’t be right. I asked to have one good kiss before stopping. Then I said I would go find a booth. I am at the booth and I know he has found a table in a different section of the place inside the other darker section (like I am outside and he is inside). At this point the dream ends with me understanding why and being sad about the treatment. But that is okay. I knew he was meeting the one he really wants in that darkened area of the place and so I ate and left.

Even in my fantasy dreams I would rather see other people happy elsewhere than miserable around me.

I carried that electric zing with me all day.

And my dream… was a weird one.

It was a House episode. House, with Wilson and one other female associate, possibly Cameron though I could not see who exactly it was, went to what is best described as a psychological witchdoctor. They went there to ask questions and instead House was evaluated in return. The typically sarcastic House was confronted with a psychological analysis of his personality using trails of images and objects that were along the walls and were seen in closeup going from one to the next as the witchdoctor spoke. At some point House gained these really cool prosthesis. They were black and silver and extended and supported across his shoulders and encased his arms and fingers, though I could not tell you if he still had the living flesh. There was bantering back and forth between the witchdoctor and House with Wilson standing by making his sardonic comments with his hands in pocket or arms across chest and the female arguing with House as to why they were still there taking this from this psycho.

The end in dreams is always has higher clarity than the rest. In this end, the witchdoctor present House with a trillion shaped topaz pill that was a coalesced form of part of his guilt and House downs it like a pill. He then states he feels lighter, the witchdoctor replies that that is usually the case, and House says dammit, now I have an enlarged libido.

House starts describing stuff and the female yells stop it, doesn’t he realize he has a…

At this point the camera pans down, Wilson in the background with crossed hands and simply says chubby.

I was woken up at this point. I think the dream was heading towards the psychology of swallowing your guilt and blah blah blah. But I don’t think I will ever actually find out.

A great way to wake up. Surrealism in your cup.

I want to sell quickly and efficiently. I want someone to come in and offer a few thousand less than listed to sell as-is and not to worry about the minor touch-ups needed. I want to sell before I have to sign new people in next door as renters.

And then? Well. I have several avenues. One: I buy a house in Austin. It would put me a lot closer to work. I might even be able to bike to work and not have to use my car at all. Except for those random rainy days, of course. Two: I am offered a job elsewhere and I move out of TX entirely. Now that would be awesome. Three: I am accepted to grad school and I head off to elsewhere. This choice would be highly favorable as well. MY only misgivings about the last choice is that I would like to not increase my student loan debt any more. I would rather work at a better paying job for a couple of years and save up funds and then go to grad school. I can only start saving up money once the house sells.

I have been getting the house and myself ready to go. Packing and repacking is such strange business. I am finding stuff I thought had been lost and getting rid of stuff I thought I would keep forever. I have also been finding a lot of unnecessary breakage amongst my most precious items. A reason my roommate will never be allowed to help pack for me again. There are a lot of things I won’t let him do anymore.

Once the house is packed up, then it will be easier to move. I just need a buyer with an eye towards good investments. And one that doesn’t wait the entire year to pop in.

And it is something I have fought tooth and nail not to do.

Tearing hope into easily digestible pieces once and for all doesn’t sound like a good resolution, does it.

Well, it is when that is the biggest cause of hurt.

I wrote the previous words yesterday when I had full intentions of clicking “Publish.”

But I decided to go for a ride instead. I went out near sunset and found out how scary night riding with no lights can be. Especially on unlit country roads. I made it to the store and mostly back home until Scott came and found me and gave me a lift the rest of the way. I made a new resolution to get headlamps and tailgear before doing that again.

Then I went to bed to sleep through the turning of the day and year.

The melancholy has not really diminished much since yesterday, but the 7 mile ride (in the daylight) has made the first of the year a bit brighter. I have some bitchin’ hills around here (ow ow ow).

In general my years are full of suckage. But also in general, they could have been worse. However, I can honestly say that this last year was more bad than good.

I have gone in more detail over the course of the year why life sucks and blah blah blah. Breaking my laptop, DS, and phone screens haven’t helped to see any better, either. I did manage to break the depression cycle I had been in for a couple of years, but now I am not so much depressed as hurting a lot more. And hurting for no real reason other than self hatred.

I would question my ability to set my mind to rights when it goes off-kilter, but too often I have fixed the issue with nary a buzz in anybody else’s bother. This time is a bit harder and more harrowing and more painful than in the past. And just like everything else, it doesn’t matter. Not to anyone but me, at least. I carry memories for a lifetime. Just like an elephant.

In the meantime, dreams provide an escape. In them, I am somebody. In them, I am closer to what I want and feel I should be.

It is only fitting I ended last year and started this year with strange dreams and even stranger ideas. They were fabulous. The bed was spinning and the world was shaking, all for a bit of bother in my mind. I kept feeling disrupted and on hold. As though the brakes had been on too long and were grinding to be set free. I hope that is what it was. I hope that something will break free.

And if I can’t tear hope into easily digestible chunks, maybe I can focus her on those ideas, those new and exciting ideas hidden in my sleepy brain.

Ah well, if I did, then the frustration hasn’t decreased. Rather it has increased steadily and slowly with every drop of perspiration to drown the me I like out and replace it with a stressed-out, frustrated, irritated, life hater. I am even willing to move to LA to get away from it all. And for those who don’t know me well enough, I don’t like LA other than my friends and the Fashion District. And since that constitutes less than 1% of the entirety that is the southern California city, it is usually not enough for even a glancing consideration of possible living conditions.

However.

Some of the stress is lifting a bit with the conclusion of the semester and the decision to not continue for awhile. Instead I am going to focus on other things. And if everything goes right, which is a slim possibility, then I will be off to grad school.

The sad and miserable thing is that my little rays of sunshine aren’t doing much good right now. This is Winter. It is raining and it has been a bit chilly, all wonderful things and I haven’t been able to fully appreciate the beauty. Even my Saturday nights with Mike are wonderful at the time, but I can’t seem to pull much of the enjoyment out into the week.

I think it is getting better, sort of. One of the major frustrations in my life isn’t going to go away until the house sells. And sells for close to what I am asking. Then, then that frustration will quickly go away. Hopefully. I fear I may have to move out of state for it to go away completely, though. And I won’t be sharing my next address. A P.O. Box rental is looking good for my future.

It was also the first time I had ever undergone surgery of any sort. First time for an I.V. or to be under general anesthesia or anything remotely related to that sort of thing. Apparently I am not affected by much. I did not come out with nausea, or dizziness, cotton mouth lasted all of a couple of minutes. I didn’t need intubated, just a short tube to the back of the throat which I auto spit out and don’t remember. I just remember getting on the table, laying my arms on the supports, breathing a little and then I was back in the bed with rails. They said the procedure only took 10 minutes, although the prep took bloody forever.

I moved myself to the operating table but I wonder how many people it took to move me back to the bed with rails. I am not a light person, you know.

The operating table was interesting too. It had a whole in the middle of it and I was to sit my ass right on the edge.

So all in all, a most interesting experience. I have to take ibuprofen for awhile and I have stronger meds if I am in greater pain. I doubt they will be necessary. I feel no pain but a slight headache every now and then. Not even much bleeding. Apparently I have a non-mutant variety of the healing factor. Well.. except when it comes to my tendons, ligaments, and knees. Those are still injured and annoyingly so. Although on the ibuprofen, I won’t be feeling the pain much…

So it very unusual and unique when someone does pay me the compliment of granting some of their time to the cause of Carlene.

But I have to be careful. As much as the attention is craved, I also realize I don’t get quite enough to satisfy that craving. This leads to a bit of clingyness. And I don’t like a lot of clingyness. And by a lot, I mean more than just a touch. I don’t like it in others and I certainly don’t like it in myself.

I have noticed I have been a little clingy lately.

Damn me for craving more attention.

It merely requires slight adjustment to my attitude now that I have caught what I have been doing… but still.. I shouldn’t be clingy in the first place.

So sorry to the one I have done that to and believe me, I am fixing the problem right now.

There is not certainty in what precisely started the fuse. There is so much pushing and prodding by so many sources, it is hard to say what contributed to what. I know the names attached to some of the stones thrown into my glass house. Of course I do. But they are my secrets. My treasures. Those words and memories are my coal to get this train moving. I will not have myself derailed now. I will not run out of fuel by letting others hold me back, though they try very very hard to convince me the engine is cold and broken.

I feel the heat now. I have felt it, unknowingly, for many years. The inferno has been blazing hot for a long time. I have tight control with my iron sides. Do not fear my loss of structure. That is something you will have to trust me on. I will not allow the secrets behind my strength out for all to see. I will not allow you to understand how I survive. That would be tantamount to death by betrayal. Betrayal of self and all for which I stand.

Everything I have ever said here is inconsequential, in the spur of the moment, and in the end, unimportant drivel. It is the flakes of ash that build up in this furnace and must be cleared or risk smothering. I must keep my fire glowing and burning. I must remember to enjoy what comes my way. With that coat of ash, that is impossible. I can not see outside myself when it builds so thick. It is the spent energy of life. The black crust of bitter and painful memories that must be chipped off and discarded.

This train is on a track building itself as I go. I do not know where it leads. My guess is it goes to interesting and new places. It goes to places of experience and adventure. Where I will continue to learn and change and be whatever I need to be.

Well, I have a mark to put on that tally.

I enjoyed last night. Went out cruisin’ with a friend. We played some pool and ate a delicious meal. It was a well needed evening. Even the circumstances of the event were rather odd. I was asked out on a social date by someone I had found interesting for over a year now. That doesn’t happen. Well, normally. I said yes of course. So we finally met up Sat night. I met a couple of his friends. One of whom, I found out, shares a mutual acquaintance. A small world after all. So the evening was already a winner in my book. I enjoyed the company and I enjoyed when they left and I had my date to myself.

The only other date I had even been on was a romantic one with Scott. That was it. So even a social date was new and I was curious as to what happens on these things. I used to always pal around with Corey, but he was my friend. So we were comfortable with each other and quite familiar with how to keep entertained in a 24 hour town. This time, I was with someone I only saw rarely and was not familiar with socially.

I was not disappointed, as previously stated.

I also felt a couple of things I had never felt before. Physical things. You know how sometimes in shows and movies, there is that tension and one person runs their fingers up the others arm as they shiver? I actually felt that. It was very stimulating and weird.

Ever since I was asked out on this social experiment, I kind of well… fantasized for something a bit more. It is not normal to feel amorous. For me, anyway. And I had been feeling this way off and on more in the last few months than I ever had the previous decade. Something is going on with my physiology that I can’t quite get a handle on. So far it hasn’t been a big issue physically, but mentally it has taken a toll. I was alleviating the toll much to my dissatisfaction (see previous blog entries) but I didn’t want to pack all this away, really. Now I may have found some way to not have to. And instead to modify and fix some of the problems created by my history. I am looking forward to this chance, I really really am.

I may not be able to get the one I hold in the highest of my thoughts, but I can enjoy the company of someone else I find interesting.

This one is even my body preference. And yes, there is a reason they are my body preference. Just hugging or being near someone who is short, dark, and thinnish makes my whole being just light up. And being able to hold them too? Woo. This one is the first of my pref I have even been able to do that with and boy howdy.

A definitely repeatable experience all the way around. And I hope it does get repeated. Neither one of us wants more than friendship. He is the only one I might be able to get in my stable where his stable is far less empty. I will definitely be looking forward with glee to our next meeting. It is only the beginning and may not last long. I will soak up all the good memories I can get in the meantime. Hell, 3 or 4 of these evenings and I will have doubled all the good memories I currently carry. Which is great since I keep replaying the old ones and they are a bit worn.

I hate it when that happens.

It is a major pain in my ass.

Chaps it but good.

Have you ever felt overwhelming sorrow? A loneliness that rips every shred of sanity away, just for a moment? Yeah. She is a bitch.

And there she was, gallavanting around and laughing at my pain. She enjoy being mean and reminding this poor tortured soul of how lonely and unwanted my life is going to be. And how all those stories that end with the two finding or keeping each other, will never happen.

I was hit from behind whilst watching those last few minutes, when Echo lets Paul inside. She had someone who wanted to be there.

There are some that would dispute my analysis of the future. And I will repeat over and over again that I am an evidence based person. I am a scientist. I have a shiton of evidence that points towards permanent singlehood.

Evidence pointing the other way? Yeah… not so much.